Use Only As Directed

USE ONLY AS DIRECTED
© Jim Molinelli

[Verse]
Jimmy is our favorite guy, but as all his best friends know…
There are some situations, when his pressure valve will blow.
If he gets too frustrated, his blood pressure will zoom.
If a UPC won’t scan, then… beep, beep, beep, and BOOM!
He’s fine 2 minutes later, right back to 'friend of the year'…
...CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE!... please stand clear!

[CHORUS]
We don’t come in cardboard boxes with labels and cellophane,
There's no fine print, no instructions, no factory to blame.
We all have tiny quirks, that we can't just brush aside,
Mind those unwritten warnings, and you’ll see the heart inside...
But remember... USE ONLY AS DIRECTED!

I met Sarah at a party, just a couple weeks ago,
Sent her one funny meme, now she's everywhere I go.
She always hears you out, and she never causes strife,
Hang out for 15 minutes, she’ll be your friend for life!
Give a pinky-promise handshake, or just a simple high-five...
...BONDS INSTANTLY ON CONTACT! ...most loyal friend alive.

[CHORUS]
We don’t come in cardboard boxes with labels and cellophane,
There's no fine print, no instructions, no factory to blame.
We all have tiny quirks, that we can't just brush aside,
Mind those unwritten warnings, and you’ll see the heart inside...
But remember... USE ONLY AS DIRECTED!

[Verse]
It’s sixty-five degrees in here, and Sally's in a sweat,
Yelling at the thermostat like it’s a personal threat!
“Anyone else too warm?” she asks, as she chugs her iced green tea,
And insists we use the ARCTIC setting on the car's A/C!
She’s a total blast to hang with, till the summer sun gets high...
...KEEP REFRIGERATED! ...or she's unbearably uptight!

[CHORUS]
We don’t come in cardboard boxes with labels and cellophane,
There's no fine print, no instructions, no factory to blame.
We all have tiny quirks, that we can't just brush aside,
Mind those unwritten warnings, and you’ll see the heart inside...
But remember... USE ONLY AS DIRECTED!

[Verse]
Vince'll talk his way backstage, 'n onto boats he’s never seen,
Makes the pub think it's his birthday--casts his face on their big-screen.
Give him a dollar dare, and watch him climb what shouldn't be…
He's already halfway up it, before you can count to ""3""!
He is actually quite harmless, just can’t stay out of his own way...
...ADULT SUPERVISION REQUIRED! ...Who's his chaperone today?

[CHORUS]
We don’t come in cardboard boxes with labels and cellophane,
There's no fine print, no instructions, no factory to blame.
We all have tiny quirks, that we can't just brush aside,
Mind those unwritten warnings, and you’ll see the heart inside...
But remember... USE ONLY AS DIRECTED!

Yeah....
We don’t come in cardboard boxes with labels and cellophane,
There's no fine print, no instructions, no factory to blame.
Just remember... USE ONLY AS DIRECTED!