That Ain't Me No More

© Jim Molinelli

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[Introductory Toast]

Now, settle down! Lift yer pint and please lend me yer ear.

For this heart-warmin' story of patience and of cheer!

They say a man builds character with every bridge he burns.

I no longer carry matches, a new leaf I have turned.

So, here's a toast to me! A man transformed…

and the silly little bastard who’s so lucky I've reformed!

 

[Begin Irish Pub Music]

ONE, TWO, THREE. FOUR!

 

[Verse 1]

I want to change his passwords,

So he can't use ‘em any more.

But that’s petty and vindictive,

and that ain’t me no more!

 

[Verse 2]

I’d name his WiFi "F.B.I."

Just to even up the score.

But that’s petty and vindictive,

and that ain’t me no more!

 

[Chorus]

I've grown as a person.

I’m a better man therefore.

I ain't petty and vindictive.

Not like I was before!

 

[Verse 3]

I would leave a burning bag of poop,

Then knock hard on his door.

But that’s petty and vindictive,

and that ain’t me no more!

 

[Verse 4]

I would sign him up for junkmail,

And for catalogs galore.

But that’s petty and vindictive,

and that ain’t me no more!

 

[Chorus]

I've grown as a person.

I’m a better man therefore,

I ain't petty and vindictive.

Not like I was before!

 

[Verse 5]

I’d tell the tax man where he hides,

his cash beneath the floor.

But that’s petty and vindictive,

and that ain’t me no more!

 

[Verse 6]

I’d plant weeds throughout his garden,

And enroll him in Peace Corps.

But that’s petty and vindictive,

and that ain’t me no more!

 

[Chorus]

I've grown as a person.

I’m a better man therefore,

I ain't petty and vindictive.

Not like I was before!

 

[Bridge]

Did I want to dye his laundry? (YES!)

Did I want to hide his keys? (YES!)

Did I want to release termites,

That devour all his trees? (YES!)...

...But then I went to a seminar,

And I found a bit of Zen.

Now I’m a brand new person…

…at least til 10pm!

 

[Verse 7]

I’d run lingerie up his flagpole,

‘n sell his mower to the store.

But that’s petty and vindictive,

and that ain’t me no more!

 

[Verse 8]

I’d shave his cat and dye it pink,

Then pour his whiskey on the floor.

But that’s petty and vindictive,

and that ain’t me no more!

 

[Chorus]

I've grown as a person.

I’m a better man therefore,

I ain't petty and vindictive.

Not like I was before!

 

[Chorus]

I've grown as a person.

I’m a better man therefore,

I ain't petty and vindictive.

Not like I was before...

​

[Chorus]

I've grown as a person.

I’m a better man therefore,

I ain't petty and vindictive.

Not like I was before.

​

[End]

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[Spoken words]

"But if he bothers me again...
my wrath he'll not ignore...

Now, someone buy me a pint before I find that
eejit's car and do something foolish..."

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