That Ain't Me No More

[Verse 1]

I wanna change his passwords so he can't log in no more,

But that’s petty and vindictive… and that ain’t me no more!

 

[Verse 2]

I’d rename his WiFi "F.B.I." to even up the score.

But that’s petty and vindictive… and that ain’t me no more!

 

[Chorus]

I've grown as a person, I’m a better man therefore.

I ain't petty and vindictive – not like I was before!

 

[penny whistle solo]

 

[Verse 3]

I would sign him up for junkmail, and catalogs galore.

But that’s petty and vindictive… and that ain’t me no more!

 

[Verse 4]

I would leave a burning bag of poop and knock hard on his door.

But that’s petty and vindictive…and that ain’t me no more!

 

[Chorus]

I've grown as a person, I’m a better man therefore.

I ain't petty and vindictive – not like I was before!

 

[penny whistle solo]

 

[Verse 5]

I’d plant weeds throughout his garden, and enroll him in Peace Corps.

But that’s petty and vindictive… and that ain’t me no more!

 

[Verse 6]

I’d shave his cat and dye it pink, and pour his whiskey on the floor.

But that’s petty and vindictive… and that ain’t me no more!

 

[penny whistle solo]

 

[Bridge]

Did I want to dye his laundry? (YES!)

Did I want to hide his keys? (YES!)

Did I want to release termites to devour all his trees? (YES!)...

...But then I went to a seminar,

And I found a bit of Zen.

Now I’m a brand new person…

…at least til 10pm!

 

[BIG Chorus]

I've grown as a person, I’m a better man therefore.

I ain't petty and vindictive – not like I was before!

 

[penny whistle solo]

 

[EVEN BIGGER Chorus]

I've grown as a person, I’m a better man therefore.

I ain't petty and vindictive – not like I was before!

 

[penny whistle solo]

 

[end of song]

 

SPOKEN off-mic by singer:

"If he bothers me again... he will feel my wrath!”

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“Now... Someone better buy me a pint before I find that eejit's car and do something foolish..."

​[random laughter]

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[refrain]

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